Overview

Sometimes the forbidden fruit tastes so sweet,. This is exactly why we tend to get drawn to things that aren’t good for us even when we know its not beneficial even in the least bit. Toxic euphoria is a story about the reality of most young women in Nairobi. The saddest part is that they haven’t had confidence to change the toxicity or understand the cause of this vicious cycle. My outgoing personality has been important in helping me meet a lot of people and get to understand this different realities and know why there are so many dysfunctional relationships which seem to be working just fine.

Today I want to talk about how being surrounded by drama and toxicity can really push you to become someone you don’t recognize when you look in the mirror. I met Ruby through my boyfriend’s neighbor. We used to hang out with them all the time watching Netflix or just playing video games and a whole lot of ‘couple shit’. Ruby always seemed to be in a mood, I didn’t know her well at the time but we grew to know each other for a while up until the two broke up. Towards the end of their relationship it had become so toxic between them to a point that she would beat him up literally. Odd, right? I thought so too, she would come home drunk at very late hours and I couldn’t help but wonder what was going through her head, and more importantly why a grown man could let a woman walk all over him, did he not even have a little ego left because Ruby really did the most to break this guy’s heart. I’ve always believed that damaged people usually have a story behind why they are the way they are or at the least bit what pushed them to
those extremes. And in all honesty she was the poster child for ‘hot mess’ Ruby has this beautiful American height and very smooth baby face, she is a bit on the petit side and flawless brown skin. She has long black hair that she liked tying up in a bun and she did this so beautifully, it looked so perfect but effortless, Ruby was just naturally beautiful she didn’t even have to put on makeup, amazing right? She has this big brown eyes that could make you want to buy her a few acres of land in Njoro and settle down with two kids, a dog and a black minivan. God must have really been showing out when he was creating Ruby, so anyway you might now understand why the boyfriend put up with her. He actually loved her a whole lot, even when she came home drunk he would take care of her make sure she was straight, a proper guy right? So this made me curious to want to know more about her and I was touched by her story. So I recently reconnected with her now that we are both in different places and new relationships to just know how she was doing and we got to talking. Ruby first significant relationship was back when she was in high school with this guy who was her neighbor, this lasted for most her high school life and well into the first year of campus however there had been a few issues every now and then but that’s normal for any healthy relationship, she had invested a lot into the relationship, she cooked for him, did his laundry, paid for drinks and acted like his mother and girlfriend all at the same time. She had taken the drier seat in the relationship while the guy had gotten very comfortable in the back seat enjoying all the benefits he was getting by doing just the bare minimum, because Ruby was okay with that because that’s the only love she had come to know, one that she had to struggle and cry herself to sleep at times for. Around when she got into campus her boyfriend got together with one of her friends and this really broke Ruby’s heart but still she didn’t have the heart to walk away from him most especially because she had had an abortion and she felt that was a lot of reason to stay because she felt they were in too deep. They stayed in the relationship for a few more months before another bombshell of him getting another girl pregnant and the girl bringing him the kid. At this point she had started seeing someone else on the side because she felt it was justified because he was doing the same too and tit for tat as they say is a fair game. The two drifted apart till the flame eventually died down and she started seeing the side nigga more exclusively, I however have never endorsed such kinds of situationships because ‘if he cheats with you he will definitely cheat on you’.
 They say you lose them how you got them right? So anyway moving on swiftly, she started cultivating and adding firewood to this new flame and as usual she put so much effort into it because she doesn’t believe she deserves to be pursued and won like the queen she is and she is afraid of ending up alone because she wouldn’t be able to handle her thoughts. She just needed someone in her life to validate her and make her feel complete because there was this deep hole in her heart which she thought should be filled by a man but I believe there was more to it than just that. It’s at around this point she started drinking a lot and partying from Monday to Sunday. She deferred a semester that year because ‘enjoyment’ had become what she had decided to major in; coz what the hell are priorities anyway? “I was just 21 and I still had time to figure it out and enjoy myself while at it.” She was living in Ruaka with one of her close friends at the time and this new guy would spend some nights with her and they would hang out with him and
the roommates sharing stories while day drinking most days and this is when she got the second pregnancy which she realized when it was about two months in. The guy didn’t want anything to do with it or with her because “we weren’t really a thing; we were just smashing” that was his response about the whole thing. So she decided she was gonna thug it out and raise the kid but she had a miscarriage at 5 months which really drove her off the rails even more. She slipped into depression which she might have already been in without realizing. She was drinking even more now to a point whereby she passed out outside the local bar. Her parents got wind of what had been happening and paid her an impromptu visit about 2 months later only to find her drunk and in bed with a man; (her new catch) who I will get into in a few. After that incident her parents asked her to pack up her stuff and moved her back home after she expressed herself about how she had dropped out of campus two semesters ago. Of course she didn’t agree with this new arrangement but her parents were the ones paying her rent so she had no choice. She moved back and enrolled to a new school but still she went back to Ruaka every now and then to meet up with her new guy. This situationship as well lasted almost a year and it was less chaotic than the previous one and she decided to settle down but he didn’t want to put a title on it because he still had unfinished business with his ex like most men in our esteemed city of Nairobi, so it was a bit of a mess but Ruby would be damned if she could get an easy love. I actually asked her why she always insists on taking the hard road and she asked me why I thought she sees two roads in the first place. I honestly came to understand more about her love life and the point her life was at when I met her with my boyfriend’s neighbor. You would think a man having unfinished business with his ex should be a deal breaker to a woman as beautiful as her but no it wasn’t, in her words ‘the ex was not a mountain she could be moved’ ,a fighter at heart right? This was both a blessing and a curse because honestly one should know when to fight for someone and when to let it go. So anyway she stayed for a while and once again she got paged, by this time they had grown stronger and she thought her parents could accept this particular guy so she decided to keep it. If only she could have gotten her drinking under control maybe she might have just gotten the cutest baby ever but she had another miscarriage at this point she was so devastated that she had her first suicide attempt. She slit her wrists and was found unconscious in her room by her mom and was rushed to Agha Khan hospital.
 After this incident she was enrolled for therapy because it had become evident that she needed to work out a few things. She was still seeing the guy and he was actually there for her during this period. After getting out of hospital she decided to control her drinking and try a bit more to get a hold of her life. It was at this moment she meets another guy from school whom she has a onetime fling with and actually confesses to her boyfriend. Of course he did not take the news well and ended the relationship leaving Ruby devastated again but honestly speaking she did deserve that plus some more because why would you do that to someone who stood by you at your darkest time and just as soon as you come out of the storm you do that. Listening to Ruby go on and on I keep thinking about the dynamics of her situation and I couldn’t help but notice how her life has been surrounded by a lot of drama and toxicity which she ended up adopting and being super toxic as well. By the time I was meeting her she had been in such a
rollercoaster of emotions and heartbreaks, she had lost all her self-esteem because of the abortions and miscarriages that she felt like such a waste of space, she admits to me of how she has attempted suicide again through overdosing on sleeping pills which she says only make her sleepy instead of erasing her existence. It was so sad looking into those big beautiful brown eyes and for the first time seeing how much pain they bare and how many tears she must have cried when she switched off her bedroom lights when no one was listening. But she finally exclaims and says “but you know what Marie I still believe there is someone out there tailor-made just for me” and its true there is someone out there for everyone but don’t go out looking for love and keep hoping that the next guy you meet is your prince charming, because having unnecessary expectations will only break your heart. So I take Ruby’s hand and squeeze it gently and tell her that love shouldn’t be that difficult or someone who loves you will see you and value you but first there’s one thing you need to do, try to forgive yourself and accept all the mistakes that have made you who you are because as a person you can’t hate the experiences that have shaped you into who you are despite how ugly or beautiful they are. She looks at me and sheds a tear and says it’s easier said than done but she’s taking it a day at a time. I walk away from that meeting thinking who could have thought such a beautiful woman could have such intense insecurities but over time I have come to understand that even the prettiest models have self-esteem issues and beauty is more about the inside rather than the outside because if you don’t feel beautiful no amount of compliments will ever suffice.

WRITER: MARIE